This blog post was shared with Fit4Mom Kalamazoo by our presenter for our upcoming Ask the Expert from her own blog--more information re: her website and services at the end of the post.
I’m sure you can relate: we only have so much time/energy/space/coffee/___(fill in the blank) and some things just get set aside. As a mom, wife, therapist, and business owner, that definitely happens to me and, specifically, to this blog! It’s been years since I posted and I’ve been gently encouraged to by my friends over at Fit4Mom, Takara and Stephanie! I’m going to be headed over to Fit4Mom in a few days now to do an “expert talk” and wanted to hop on here give you all an updated blog post!
This post is especially for Moms, and could probably be a whole series! There is so much that we do as moms, so many hats we wear, so many little tiny cucumbers to cut up and hope our kid will eat maybe just one piece, please??? I am marriage and family therapist AND a mom to three boys (ages 9, almost 8, and newly 4) AND a wife to my sweet husband. I work with so many moms who are also wearing the hat of being a wife too. When we look at the research of relationship satisfaction over the course of a lifetime, we see a pretty big dip in satisfaction at the phase of life where kids start to enter the family. One of my joys in this profession is to work with couples in that spot and help them navigate those waters. The benefits here are not just for the couple, but baby/toddler/kid also benefits from happier, calmer parents.
What are some keys to success here? Like a said, this could be a whole series, but a few of the key points that I want to emphasize come directly from over 50 years of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. As a therapist trained in this evidence-based relationship model, we know this stuff is based on solid research and used world-wide in a practical way. Not only do I have the honor of working with couples 1:1 on these interventions, but I also led Gottman Workshops for couples based on these ideas, method, and wisdom gained through research and experience.
So: a few key ideas…
#1. Work as a team, don’t compete: Keeping score and counting how many diapers you’ve changed or how many drop-offs and pick-ups you’ve done vs. your partner doesn’t win any prizes. It may make you contemptuous, bitter, and feeling over-worked or under-appreciated, though. While it is really important to divide things up, decide who is doing what when, or create a schedule, if we get caught up in keeping score, we can lose the sense of working as a team. Like most sports, there are times you’ve got the ball and there are times your team mate does and you’re taking a break or positioning yourself in a good spot to retrieve a pass from your partner and take the ball back. When we’re working as a team and having the mindset of working together, not against each other, we are going to feel supported, loved, and together.
Practical application: When things get tough, how can you and your partner support each other with kindness, humor, or fun? How can you keep perspective that this stuff is temporary and you’ve got each other’s back?
#2. Nurture your intimacy, connection, and fun: This is going to look a little different for most couples in the post-kid world than the pre-kid world, but it is just as important to connect, spend time, and have fun with each other as it was when you first started dating. Remember those first few dates? Most couples find themselves talking for hours, asking questions, delving into who each person is. While your favorite color or best childhood memory might not change over time, it’s always important to stay connected with each other in the here and now. What’s stressing you out? What are you looking forward to? Or, the hardest question: what do you want for dinner? Finding ways to intimately connect, whether is sex and physical intimacy, or the emotional intimacy you’re craving, it’s worth it to prioritize fun and connection with each other. We’re better parents when we’re nurturing all of the relationships that are important.
Practical application: Can you make a list of at-home/easy “date nights” you can your partner can have in that tiny window of time you have after kids go to bed and you drag yourself to bed? Maybe order a date night box subscription to spice it up or order a “scratch off date idea box” from Amazon so you don’t have to do all of the planning and thinking!
#3. Manage your conflict kindly: There is so much to say about managing conflict, but the two things I want to emphasize here are the power of giving each other the benefit of the doubt by approaching conflict and conversation in a more curious and less certain position. Thinking, “I wonder what they meant by that?” instead of “I can’t believe they thought xyz!” Approach one another with kindness and a softened start-up instead of going into a conflict conversation with all of your fires blazing. If you aren’t cool enough to have the conflict conversation in the moment (if you are physiologically and emotionally flooded), then pause, step away, and table the conversation until you both can approach it with kindness toward one another. Focus your emphasis on listening to each other, trying to understand where they are coming from, making sure you are being understood, and then joint problem solving. Usually we can’t move forward out of conflict until we are feeling understood, so take the time to understand and be understood. Conflict is a beautiful opportunity for connection if we can slow it down and do it with kindness and love.
Practical application: Do some research on yourself and figure out how you can self-soothe during conflict. Ask your partner how they can too. Figure out how to check in with yourself and each other to see if you both are ready for a kind conversation.
These are some ideas on how to improve and strengthen your relationship. It is not meant to take the place of mental health counseling. Please seek out a therapist if you are looking for professional support.
Interested in learning more? You can register for our Ask the Expert event on May 10th 2024 at the following link: https://fit4mom-kalamazoo.pike13.com/e/230308663
If you are unable to make it to the event, head over to Erin's website to learn more about her practice and services (https://www.kzoocounseling-wellness.com/).